Trees Blooming in my Nose – All for the Good of the Planet

AhhhhhChooo! I just love Spring in the South! The trees, the flowers, the grass; all beautiful to behold. They are all greening up, budding out and crawling straight up my nose. Maaah-Veh-Laahs.

Is the assault on my sinuses by Gaia and her blooming minions an action protected by the tree-hugging nutjobs? Is Al Gore gonna stick a camera up my nose? Am I offending Mother Earth by pouring my springtime cocktail of antihistamines & acetaminophin chased with caffeine down my gullet? Other people get to sit on their porch with adult beverages of choice, maybe with a cute little umbrella, marveling at the beauty of their roses. Me, I hide under the bed until June. Sometimes July.

Michelle learns to talk like a good Southern girl… Y’aaaaaall didn’t draw the diphthongs out nearly long enough. By the way, I did see the video of Hillary earlier and didn’t really think it was even close to a Southern accent. It sounded more like a semi-Midwesterner doing a bad imitation of girlz in the hood. With NO rhythm…but that’s just me…

Here’s another video – this one compliments of Fausta – who shares my unrequited yearnings for a certain bald Shakespearean who looked downright smashing in a skin tight uniform. And we just won’t mention the time that Siggy tried to convince us that he was Patrick’s twin. Or something like that….. 😉

Speaking of greening, ahem, the globalwarmingistas are poking around in your bedroom.

Other ways of “greenwashing” the bedroom, as outlined by TreeHugger and Greenpeace, include turning out the lights, not buying PVC or vinyl accoutrements, ensuring S&M paddles are made from sustainably harvested timber, using organic massage oils, showering together, using bamboo bed sheets (they come from a rapidly renewable resource and are said to be “super sexy”), and wearing lingerie made with renewable fibres such as hemp (Enamore), bamboo (Butta) and other organic goodness (GreenKnickers, Buenostyle, Peau Ethique).

Gordon notes there’s even an eco-friendly adult website dedicated to naked vegetarians, appropriately called Veg P_rn.

(Note: Fausta used this notation “p_rn” to avoid the other word, and therefore avoiding showing up in those kind of searches!)

This sounds like soooooo, soooooo….well, icky. And why use S&M paddles when a nine-iron is just dandy?!? Obviously, folks have been engaged in this “activity” since the Earth was created. That’s how we all got here – Adam, Eve, the entire cast of Ben Hur. The Stone/Bronze/Iron Age folks were all procreating happily away, oblivious to the label they would be hung with millenniums later. Ooooopppps, did I just offend the over-sensitive Geiko Caveman? Or worse, some tribe I’ve never even met? (By the way, PJM files this one under Oh Just Shut UP!)

“All anthropologists would agree that the negative use of the terms ‘primitive’ and ‘stone age’ to describe [tribal peoples] has serious implications for their welfare,” says a statement from the anthropologists’ professional association.

As Captain Cavemen commented on PJM:

What a hoot. It is sad when tv commercials parody kneejerk wingnut behavior…before it happens!

[Snort!] Honestly, folks, I don’t make this stuff up. Clairvoyant…I tell ya! Ooops I might have offended a psychically-enhanced person with that remark… Awwww, who cares!

UPDATE: I forgot about this hilarious bit of silliness back in the fall, as the Anchoress decried “the moral arbiters of our time [that] have decided that keeping your private life private is not mere personal discretion” and then promptly outed herself as a married worman who enjoys sex. Personally, I think those bamboo sheets might give you splinters. As Siggy said …

“Much as so many people would like to believe the world revolves around their crotch, it just isn’t so.”

Honestly, I think the world revolves around cow farts. In fact, I think the cow farts have become such a force of nature that it’s now what powers our planet’s spin in its orbit around the Sun. You know, the Sun that’s making us warmer, but you can’t believe that if you’re not a scientist, can you?

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